In an earlier blog post I piously decried the scourge of the indelible smartphone, attempted to comprehend my addiction to the tiny needless knowledge machine, and sought remedy.
Since August of 2015, I have had what is commonly disparaged as a dumbphone, a technological museum piece that’s roughly the size of a computer mouse but frothing with stupidity. With a battery life of a solar calculator and the texting ease of a psychotic gerbil with no thumbs, I’m in the market for another hopefully slightly more intelligently designed device with which to order pizza.
What’s the quote commonly attributed to Einstein? Ah yes. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
Most dumbphones are designed by zombie weasels, so I don’t expect a transcendent user experience, but something must give. This phone bloweth chunks, and I hate its face.
The thing is, I’m also in search of a replacement for my geriatric laptop, and I’m thinking of getting a decent tablet with reasonable storage and a cellular connection, which in theory would give me all the mobile connectivity of a smartphone with the inability of carrying it in my pocket.
I could still use map applications, listen to music, and check email on the go, but I wouldn’t be able to pull it out of my pocket for every gif or tweet or other interweb flatus. Smartphones are considerably more portable, like a flask or a hypodermic syringe.
Take your smartphone into a public restroom? Well, it’s in your pocket. It’s your phone so of course. Take your tablet into a public restroom? What are you doing, you degenerate Neanderthal?! Ew!
So in this search for a balance between mobile connectivity and smartphone addiction, I’m considering the following two devices:
Nokia 3310 3G – Remember the original 3310 from nearly 20 years ago? I sure as hell do. It was my first cell phone. A brick with only 45 minutes on it for emergencies only. But it had Snake! Glorious toilet time Snake! Well Nokia has come out with a throwback dumbphone in the spirit of the original 3310. Slimmer and snazzier but still dumb as clubbed gopher. Initial reviews are good if you are looking for a phone that only makes calls and sends texts, a demographic that includes me and any WWII vets still drawing breath.
iPad mini 4 – Remember when the iPad first came out and a collective snicker rose out of the bandwidth, because it sounded like a cyborg feminine hygiene product? Well, my sister came to stay will us a few weeks ago and she had the latest one. And I decided forthwith it was exactly no more and no less than what I need. An old product that Apple doesn’t plan on updating, the price should stay low.
I do not want a smartphone ever again. I’m convinced that they are making us miserable slumping frumps. Also, I read so so so much now. Dozens of novels since giving up Siri and her quippy little responses about woodchucks chucking wood. I’ve finalized and work-shopped a one-act play, written half of a full-length, and written a ten-minute play.
I don’t want to relapse into phantom vibration syndrome. So Nokia 3310 3G and iPad mini 4 it is. Now I just need the cash.