Friends don't let friends let Zack Morris ruin things.

Friends don't let friends let Zack Morris ruin things.

Look, I understand that there’s Mueller, and family separation, and SCOTUS upheaval, and the potential passage of FART. And that is all very very important and I don’t mean to make it seem like those things are less than cataclysmic, but I need the American public to realize that Zack Morris et. al. is going to Jar Jar Binks style ruin The Passage series by Justin Cronin in a bastardized version for prime-time basic cable Fox. We must stop them. We must stop them right the fudge now. The pilot has been filmed, it is crap, and they’re taking it to Comicon. How do we get the Comicon nerds to come down hard on this stink pile of soon-to-be-cancelled shart so that it doesn’t see broadcast?

Well we the squeaky wheel re-pitch it to the show runners of Game of Thrones and the bigwigs of HBO. Ya know, where the show should have gone in the first place! And that’s what I’m going to do right now via this blog post that they will totally see.


Hello and welcome all powerful and staggeringly beautiful executives of HBO. I know I don’t just speak for just myself when I say we are all waiting with breath which is baited for the conclusion of "Game of Thrones." I mean the balance of Westeros teeters between two incestuous couples against an angry ice zombie. Love. It.

And "Westworld?" Whoa! It is a world in the fudging west, amiright? Season one was super porny and disturbing. And season two was… confusing. But I’m still with you. Because Ed Harris. I mean you killed off Thandie Newton... right? --who was literally the only good thing about "Mission Impossible 2," but I forgive you because Jeffrey Wright is still alive... right? I don’t know what happened, but I’ll watch season three because deep down I'm an idiot.

I digress.

Why are we here?

The Passage, The Twelve, and The City of Mirrors by Justin "best writer ever" Cronin.

The definitive apocalyptic vampire epic.

Celebrated Pulitzer Prize-winning author Jennifer Egan said that “Justin Cronin has written a wild, headlong, sweeping extravaganza of a novel. The Passage is the literary equivalent of a unicorn: a bonafide thriller that is sharply written, deeply humane, ablaze with big ideas, and absolutely impossible to put down.”

If you disagree with Jennifer Egan, then you are not what I would classify as a nice person or my friend. But that is neither here nor there.

If you’ve read the series, you know it’s basically The Stand meets "The Walking Dead" meets reverse infinity "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Well, forget that last one but you get the potential. As a card-carrying representative of the binge-watching public, I must say we are salivating for our dystopian narratives. And where "The Walking Dead" has failed us, The Passage in your capable well-manicured hands will awaken us to what is possible in the genre.

Also in this age, I know you must be cognizant of the thirst for strong female leads and strong leads for people of color. Well look no further than The Passage which is chockablock full of ‘em.

If you’ll turn to page two, you’ll see that I’ve already begun a preliminary though incomplete cast list of A-listers for the pilot season who will no doubt take massive pay cuts just to be a part of the project.

Amy Harper Bellafonte: This one needs to be a newcomer. She’s a small girl with acting chops but let’s not go full Dakota Fanning where the face is a kid but the voice and very adult personality is basically Glenn Close.

Bradford Wolgast: Hands down this is Matthew Rhys. He has the hard edges of a G-man but the emotional gravitas needed to leave all of it behind for Amy. Watch any season of "The Americans" and tell me I’m wrong.

Lacey Antoinette Kudoto: Lupita Nyong'o because she can simultaneously carry the mantle of nun and mystical priestess. Her eyes hold oceans of pain.

Lawrence Grey: Kevin Spacey… Okay… just go with me… The character is a convicted pedophile trying to turn over... a new... leaf. I’m thinking a comeback for Kevin?... No? No. Too soon? Too exactly true to life? Ummmmm…  then…  John Carroll Lynch because we all believe HE was the Zodiac Killer did we not? But he’s got those “forgive me” eyes so we’ll feel bad for him later.

Peter Jackson: Like Amy, this must be a newcomer because they carry the weight of the narrative and we can’t be blinded by star power. Think maybe a Jon Michael Hill type.

Theo Jackson: You could go newcomer with all the First Colony characters but you could also look for Donald Glover here. The role requires a smidge of paternal chutzpuh, and the character gets a ton of "is he dead?" cliffhanger nonsense that will drive fans bananas.

Alicia Donadio: Natalie Domer and BOOM you get your Game of Thrones actor tie-in. Marketing done! We all hated her death in GoT so give her the badass Alicia role she was made for.

Michael Fisher: Possibly a newcomer here. Somewhere in the realm of a Rami Malek? Less robot, more adorable eccentric techie who can hold his own with a weapon.

Sara Fisher: Hailee Steinfeld. And that’s all I’ll say because you know it’s true.

The rest we can discuss at a later meeting when storyboards have been drawn up but I think if you take a first or second read of the first novel, you’ll see that Justin practically had a treatment in mind.

Now… are we going to let Fox ruin this goldmine or are we going to swoop in like Disney and throw some dollar signs around?

I'll give you the room to talk amongst yourselves.

Last Night's Nightmare

Last Night's Nightmare